I’m planning on writing a series of blog entries titled: Motherhood.
I thought pregnancy while depressed was tough, but motherhood is a whole new different ball game. I realise I that have not had time to reflect back and ask myself if I have even healed from my depression. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, navigating through my own personal feelings has been a struggle. Feelings about myself have been surrounded by a whole lot of guilt, mostly self-inflicted. I am not here to judge myself, just to observe and express how I feel.
I have cried so much pre, during and post pregnancy, I really did not know I had it in me before this journey. I recently found out that I can express myself in other forms that not only reflect happiness and anger. I am able to now articulate sadness, heartbreak, disappointment and love. You see, even in the pits of hell, there is always good to be found.
I now have a living and breathing heart and I don’t know how to react. I am constantly worried about her safety, health and emotional well-being. If you touch her and she cries, I swear, I want to murder you because she is an angel. She is my heart, my life, my soul, my everything. Just writing those words down makes me want to cry tears of joy.
I keep wondering why me? Why did you choose me? Am I capable? Am I even worthy of such a pure and innocent soul? You are the most beautiful angel I have ever laid eyes on. You are a beauty that nothing in this world can be compared to. I love you with every fibre of my being. I am blessed to love and be loved by you. You are Gods greatest gift to the universe, my life knows colour because of you.
I worry I may not be good enough to deserve such a treasure that is you ;( I cry because I’m so scared I’ll mess it up. I’m restless because I wonder if God made a mistake with me and He will realise this and give you to someone else. I pray I am worthy, that i am enough, and most importantly, that I have the strength to love and protect you in ways you need me to.
Adulting & Motherhood 