I am scared that when the time comes, you won’t know what to do. You won’t know how to touch me, feel me, love me or worst of all lay with me without feeling disgust.
I’m scared to be truly naked in front of you. I know you’ve been washing me and helping me since everything happened. But I’m scared shitless to get naked, feel vulnerable and share my body with you. I’m terrified of the day that we’ll try and reconnect physically because so much has changed.
I pray that by then I am emotionally stronger and feel a lot better than I do today. I pray that when the day comes and you call me beautiful, sexy, and tell me how much you want to be with me, I not only believe you but also believe that about myself.
The biggest struggle is not someone accepting you, it’s rather you accepting yourself and learning to love all the different shades that appear over time. I’m truly blessed to have a man that loves me enough to kiss my pooch and stretch marks and slap my ass like he did before while telling me how sexy I am and how much he loves me. To see him patiently wait until the day I learn to love myself and offer to help me through my journey rather than let me walk that path alone.
Sometimes when you take a minute to breath in the air, you realise God works his miracles through angels. They come into your life and bring sunlight even on the darkest of days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all roses and butterflies, it’s difficult, sometimes it feels impossible learning to love someone and allowing them to love you.
There are days I feel like it would be easier not trying, some days i feel relieved when I think about not trying. But then I imagine life without you, and I start crying because it’s all gloomy and miserable. I start crying and asking God why it has to be so hard and the answer is always the same, crystal clear, nothing good ever comes easy, everything is hard work, like a job you have to constantly put in effort.
As I lay awake in my bed going through the emotions, observing them without judgment, all I can say is thank you and at this moment I choose to believe that soon I’ll be in a better headspace.
Adulting & Motherhood 