The first day we came back home with our baby girl, my partner’s family came over excited to meet the baby. As my mother was still awaiting her visa (long story about my abusive dad for another day), my partner’s mom agreed to come and help us for the first few weeks. The first two days with the baby were easy as she slept most of the time. I followed the doctor’s guidance and every 3-4 hours woke her up for a feed as well as a diaper change.
My biggest struggle was mobility as I was still in excruciating pain from the c-section birth. We have a one-bedroom flat, so my partner’s mom slept in the bed with me and my partner in the living room. During the day he would bathe me, wash the baby’s clothes, feed me (although I had little to no appetite) as well as help with changing the baby’s diaper. During the night he would sleep, and I would take care of the baby. At first, his mom would sleep through the night, but after a few days (word from her son), she began waking up to take the baby out of her crib, hand her to me for a feed, then change her diaper, burp her as well as try to rock her to sleep. This seemed to alleviate my pain of bending to take the baby out, and I appreciated the help.
By the end of the week, his whole family once again came by to see the baby, during this time they offered to hold her, which I was not ready for as I wanted to just bond with my baby. I asked that they help with chores such as cleaning and laundry, but to no avail. I needed help with these as previously mentioned, my partner did a lot of caring for me during the day and his mom rested at this time. I wanted the house to look decent before my mom arrived, and I get anxious when my space is untidy.
After this experience, I realized that a lot of other new moms probably go through what I went through and might be shy to express how it made them feel. I felt unheard and unsupported. I felt like everyone pretended to be nice, but when the time came, all they did was enforce their ideologies on me. No one seemed to respect what I wanted. After all, I was the baby’s mom, and there is no formula; otherwise, we would all be perfect parents.
Looking back, in the first few weeks postpartum, this is what I would have appreciated:
- No visitors during the first week – this is the time new parents can use to bond with their new bundle of joy. We were filled with overwhelming emotions, and all we wanted to do was just watch her, hold her, admire her, as well as thank God for this gift of life. Guests bring anxiety because kids want to hold the baby (they have germs, they are too young, the baby is not a toy, shall I go on?), they also bring noise (I just needed to rest, I had a c-section), and need to be hosted (it’s hard to entertain if you just gave birth).
- If you do visit, please help the new parent with the chores, such as doing the dishes, laundry, sweeping and mopping, taking out the trash, anything else you think we might need help with.
- Bring snacks and packed meals for the new parents. Most days we had no cooked meals, and I ended up buying takeout. After 9 months of eating terribly (cravings are no joke), I just wanted cooked meals but could not do it due to the nature of the birth. Frozen meals are a dream as we can just reheat and eat them on days no one is able to cook.
- Give advice only when asked. This is a major one for me after helping with chores because I really did not appreciate it at all. There were times I would tell his family thanks but no thanks to advice, and they would proceed to go directly to him with the same advice and instruct him to tell me we should try it. Their advice would include keeping the house cool, letting the baby cry it out so she is not spoiled, not buying too much or too expensive stuff for the baby, and the list goes on. I appreciate it worked for them, but it does not mean that I have to do everything they did with their kids. I am my own person, and I would appreciate making my own mistakes. All I needed was for people to respect my decisions, even if they did not believe in them. The same with my family, I directly told them to lay off the unsolicited advice as it makes me feel a type of way, and they did. When I do need advice, I always ask.
- Ask to hold the baby and always wash your hands. A lot of times, everyone did this, and I appreciated it a lot!
- Visitors should be mindful of how long they spend. A lot of times, we had guests for half the day (midday till 9 pm). This is super exhausting, my feet would be swollen, and I would be tired. It also messes up the rest of the week. It’s a tiny person who only feeds and needs a diaper change. An hour or 2 at most, longer is just too much.
- Stock up on groceries. Post-birth, I had groceries delivered, and this was great as I needed snacks and drinks. If you are a guest, you could ask if the new parents need this. Most times they do but do not have time to pick these up.
- Be kind. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. These words are crucial. A lot of people have zero self-awareness. Postpartum, your emotions are a rollercoaster, and people do not realize how hurtful things they say can be and where they take you mentally. During one of the visits, my child was called small and compared to another baby in the family. I was made to feel like I had done something inferior. Over the course of more visits, her weight was a constant side comment as well as her lack of smiling (which she would only do with us) and being told she looks constipated (broke my heart). In addition to this, I was told a c-section isn’t bad, I should be ok in a week, by people who never experienced it. It minimized my pain and made me feel unsupported. Even typing it out makes me feel sad to think I went through all this in a time I should be enjoying my newfound joy and happiness.
With that said, I am grateful for the love and support I received. It may not have been how I would have liked it, but it still existed, and for that, I am grateful. I am eternally grateful to my partner, mother, and brother for the love, sacrifice, and overwhelming support they gave me. I will never forget what they did for me. I am grateful to myself for being able to accept that I was struggling and going to therapy to heal.
Finally, I hope this helps other moms and support structures out there.
Adulting & Motherhood 