Category: Relationships

Motherhood: my body is a wonderland as well as a freak show

Firstly, let me clear the air and begin by saying that I am forever grateful for the strength that my body has shown me it has. From growing an entire human being, to withstanding a major surgery, and being able to bring my little angel into this world. For that, I am forever in awe as well as grateful for the wonderland that is my body.

Growing an entire human being is no easy work. Not only is it tiring, but it is also emotionally draining. The body changing rapidly comes without warning, there is no time to prepare for what becomes a secondhand version of what you used to be. I have to keep reminding myself to look at the bigger picture, that this tiny human needs me to be strong and let certain things be, so they are well and healthy when the time comes.

No one warns you how much of a toll all the changes have on your mental health. Postpartum and I feel unsexy, unattractive, and just plain old ugly. My breast has gone up 4 sizes and they look saggy and super long, my stomach now has a pooch and stretch marks that are unending, and don’t get me started on how fat my thighs are or how weird my butt shape has turned out (although my mum says I got a little butt out of the whole process :D). I hardly recognise myself in the mirror, all I do now is mourn my old body each time I see a reflection of the new body I inhabit.

I’ve hit a new low in my physical image journey. In the past, I struggled to love myself and that meant not even looking at myself in the mirror. My self-image is at rock bottom as I look in the mirror and realise that the person I see has an unattractive body with a pretty face. I’ve never been blessed with a big butt or perfectly perky Double D breasts, but my old body looked good, I had a tiny waist, big breasts, and beautifully carved calves. Right now I hardly recognise any of that when I look in the mirror.

To make matters worse, my mind has begun to wonder, wonder if my partner sees me the way I see myself. Wonder if he wants to touch me the way he used to, love me in a way that used to make me feel like the sexiest woman in the room? I know it’s a journey I’m going through, but I can’t help but feel like he sees all the unattractive parts of me. Each time he bathes me, I can’t even look him in the eye because I don’t want to know the truth, I’m not ready to know what he thinks or feels about the new me. It’s one thing to say the words to make me feel better and another to see through your eyes and know the truth.

I now shudder when you rave about other women because I wonder if you find them more attractive than me. If you want to love them the way you used to love them? My heart bleeds for the day I don’t have to feel this way. I’ve never been the type to worry about other women, my mum taught me to trust the words of a man until he shows me otherwise. Innocent until proven guilty and so far it’s worked to keep my trust issues at bay.

A new sun has risen and with it, all the monsters that once hid in the shadows have come out to dance in the light, and I’m scared of who or what I might become in the process. My new companion is prayer, I take her with me through this journey and hope and pray that I come out on the other side stronger and better than I ever was. I’m terrified but I’m also hopeful that just like any other journey I’ve walked I’ll walk this one, learn my lessons, and reach the top renewed and feeling like a winner, a conqueror.

Motherhood: The journey

I’m planning on writing a series of blog entries titled: Motherhood.

I thought pregnancy while depressed was tough, but motherhood is a whole new different ball game. I realise I that have not had time to reflect back and ask myself if I have even healed from my depression. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, navigating through my own personal feelings has been a struggle. Feelings about myself have been surrounded by a whole lot of guilt, mostly self-inflicted. I am not here to judge myself, just to observe and express how I feel. 

I have cried so much pre, during and post pregnancy, I really did not know I had it in me before this journey. I recently found out that I can express myself in other forms that not only reflect happiness and anger. I am able to now articulate sadness, heartbreak, disappointment and love. You see, even in the pits of hell, there is always good to be found.

I now have a living and breathing heart and I don’t know how to react. I am constantly worried about her safety, health and emotional well-being. If you touch her and she cries, I swear, I want to murder you because she is an angel. She is my heart, my life, my soul, my everything. Just writing those words down makes me want to cry tears of joy. 

I keep wondering why me? Why did you choose me? Am I capable? Am I even worthy of such a pure and innocent soul? You are the most beautiful angel I have ever laid eyes on. You are a beauty that nothing in this world can be compared to. I love you with every fibre of my being. I am blessed to love and be loved by you. You are Gods greatest gift to the universe, my life knows colour because of you.

I worry I may not be good enough to deserve such a treasure that is you ;( I cry because I’m so scared I’ll mess it up. I’m restless because I wonder if God made a mistake with me and He will realise this and give you to someone else. I pray I am worthy, that i am enough, and most importantly, that I have the strength to love and protect you in ways you need me to.

Heartbreak … it’s like an itch you can’t scratch

Sitting on my chair, trying to consolidate all my feelings into a one-pager and I don’t know where to start. All I know is, just the thought of what I went through, correction, living through, still hurts like the first second he uttered those words. I try not to recall them because it takes me down a rabbit hole and as we all know, spiraling down only takes us three steps back …

As mentioned on the introduction page, I am a young black woman, but what I did not include is that I am a late bloomer. All my life, I watched everyone I know, friends, family, even strangers, navigating their way through the dating scene. Like a coach, I sat on the side lines and always offered them advice, a shoulder to cry on or took a step back so they could enjoy the experience. I basically lived vicariously through other people’s stories, but I had none of my own to share. The pain, self-doubt, coupled with self-esteem and confidence issues did not help my plight. Over time I came to accept that I might just be destined to be alone for eternity (I know, it’s a very long time!). Of course, I had my low moments, but post 21, as a black woman who had just entered the workforce, I had other hurdles to overcome. I always focused on perfecting my art (aka my career), but I never once took the time to focus on me. One day I asked my brother why he keeps staring at himself in the mirror, and he simply answered, “just admiring this masterpiece that is me”. At that moment, I wanted to say what we always do and mention his flaws, but I froze, and it hit me, when was the last time I tried to look at myself in the mirror? From that day forward I chose to work on my relationship with myself. But today’s post is not about my self-love/acceptance journey, it’s about that itch I cannot scratch.

I love to deflect away from my problems, like I just did a moment ago. I tend to focus on everything else but the reason I am anxious. I met a guy, and we went out a bit, he was a proper gentleman, the kind that opens doors and pays the bill. At first, I enjoyed the moment, after all, I had never dated before until now. As time went by, the spark was still there, growing. He was there for me during tough times, taking care of me when I was unwell and even cooking for me (gush). I am one of those people who do not realise where they are until they are there. And that is basically what happened, I did not know I was falling for him until I had fallen. He had crept into my heart, and I did not notice until of course my anxiety began flaring up and I could no longer ignore. I told him I had developed feelings and he said he felt the same too. We were always a monogamous, yet casual item, and he had commitment issues, so I had no idea where we headed from there.

All I can remember is one minute I was floating on cloud nine and the next I was falling without a parachute! I thought I knew pain, but I guess I was wrong. Parting, knowing I would not see him, hold him, hear his voice, or even spend time with him tore me up. It felt like this horrible pain inside of me and I had no idea how to heal it. Imagine having an itch inside of you and no amount of humming or burping can relieve that itch. The only I felt it could stop would be if I stop existing but that is the easy way out and there is so much I still wanted to see, do, and achieve in this lifetime. Nonetheless, knowing that does not take it away, it just makes it harder to get through each day with this itch that I cannot ignore nor do anything to make it go away.

At first, I just cried, it is easier to throw a pity party than work on the issue. We have all been there, with the “why is life so unfair!!!” or “why is this happening to me???!”. Crying does not come easy to me, but at that moment I knew I needed to let it out, just ferment in my feelings. It’s the worst feeling, but much needed release. Everyone tells you to put your big girl panties on and keep moving, but I say wallow in self-pity, give yourself time to grieve because the experience is a loss. Most times, break ups are traumatic, not bad, but an emotional event unless you knew it was coming and were happy for the relationship to end. Once I had enough crying (80% tired), I decided I needed to get advice, now it gets better. This is when the denial kicks in, I needed hope he would come back. I went through countless pages on google on break ups, re-encounters, you name it. Most of the comments were always about just moving on and forgetting, very harsh words, lacking emotion, as if they had no idea how it felt. I appreciate telling someone to move forward, but if it were that easy, we would all do it right? I realised Google was not the answer, the answer lies within me. I needed to confront what had happened, why it had happened and then find a way to live with the itch without allowing it to affect every waking moment of my life.

I journaled a lot about the heartbreak and why it had to happen. It was realising that I had decided to put myself first and I am a person who needs certainty that kind of allowed me to start accepting the situation. It took a while to get there, but every time I found myself missing him, I allowed the thought to play out and when the credits started rolling, I just mentioned why it is ok it ended. I felt sad but, in that sadness, also lied hope, hope that with every waking moment it would get better. Once I had that habit figured out, I needed to reassess my schedule. When he was around, I had plans, someone to look forward to. you do not realise until they are gone how much time they filled up, with plans to go out or just hanging out on the couch. I now had all this time and the blank spaces made me miss him. I decided to focus on myself and the best way is to find new things, hobbies, to try out. You see what I just did there, took it back to my deflecting moment. Self-love helps you heal because that attention and energy is put back onto you. I joined a swimming and aikido class and so far, so good. I also have a weekly movie date with myself (I am a movie fanatic).

When I first started typing this post, I felt anxious, worried I might cry. When I feel the urge, I do not dismiss it, I let it flow, and then continue with my day. Right now, I am smiling because I just realised that as hard as it was to share this, I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I did not have the urge to cry while writing this. I can finally say that I have learnt to live with that unscratchable itch, most times I do not even notice it is there. Heartbreaks are tough, sometimes we get lucky and gravitate towards each other, and other times we keep moving and find new itches we hope can relieve the old itch that is a part of us.