Category: Weekly adventures

The first thought is your gut, trust it

Do you trust your instincts?

Yes I do! it took me a while to reach a place where I trust my gut and I’m glad I finally made it there. Of course I didn’t get here on my own, my brother helped me by constantly challenging me to accept my own narrative rather than that of others as it’s mainly laced with doubt, insecurities as well as the fear to accept what is.

I am someone who dreams a lot and my dreams tend to come to pass. In the past I would expect people to act on these messages but my brother taught me that I am a messenger and it’s up to the other person to decide what their next step looks like.

When it comes to things like people and intention I always follow my gut and intuition. I am rarely lead astray by it and sometimes it’s just life happening. for me, my instincts are just God, my angels and the universe looking out for me. When I need to make bold decisions I always pray and give it time to receive an answer by being still.

Finally, if you are on the journey of learning to trust your instinct, always remember, the first thought is your gut, anything else after is your mind clouded by ego!

How to support new parents postpartum

The first day we came back home with our baby girl, my partner’s family came over excited to meet the baby. As my mother was still awaiting her visa (long story about my abusive dad for another day), my partner’s mom agreed to come and help us for the first few weeks. The first two days with the baby were easy as she slept most of the time. I followed the doctor’s guidance and every 3-4 hours woke her up for a feed as well as a diaper change.

My biggest struggle was mobility as I was still in excruciating pain from the c-section birth. We have a one-bedroom flat, so my partner’s mom slept in the bed with me and my partner in the living room. During the day he would bathe me, wash the baby’s clothes, feed me (although I had little to no appetite) as well as help with changing the baby’s diaper. During the night he would sleep, and I would take care of the baby. At first, his mom would sleep through the night, but after a few days (word from her son), she began waking up to take the baby out of her crib, hand her to me for a feed, then change her diaper, burp her as well as try to rock her to sleep. This seemed to alleviate my pain of bending to take the baby out, and I appreciated the help.

By the end of the week, his whole family once again came by to see the baby, during this time they offered to hold her, which I was not ready for as I wanted to just bond with my baby. I asked that they help with chores such as cleaning and laundry, but to no avail. I needed help with these as previously mentioned, my partner did a lot of caring for me during the day and his mom rested at this time. I wanted the house to look decent before my mom arrived, and I get anxious when my space is untidy.

After this experience, I realized that a lot of other new moms probably go through what I went through and might be shy to express how it made them feel. I felt unheard and unsupported. I felt like everyone pretended to be nice, but when the time came, all they did was enforce their ideologies on me. No one seemed to respect what I wanted. After all, I was the baby’s mom, and there is no formula; otherwise, we would all be perfect parents.

Looking back, in the first few weeks postpartum, this is what I would have appreciated:

  • No visitors during the first week – this is the time new parents can use to bond with their new bundle of joy. We were filled with overwhelming emotions, and all we wanted to do was just watch her, hold her, admire her, as well as thank God for this gift of life. Guests bring anxiety because kids want to hold the baby (they have germs, they are too young, the baby is not a toy, shall I go on?), they also bring noise (I just needed to rest, I had a c-section), and need to be hosted (it’s hard to entertain if you just gave birth).
  • If you do visit, please help the new parent with the chores, such as doing the dishes, laundry, sweeping and mopping, taking out the trash, anything else you think we might need help with.
  • Bring snacks and packed meals for the new parents. Most days we had no cooked meals, and I ended up buying takeout. After 9 months of eating terribly (cravings are no joke), I just wanted cooked meals but could not do it due to the nature of the birth. Frozen meals are a dream as we can just reheat and eat them on days no one is able to cook.
  • Give advice only when asked. This is a major one for me after helping with chores because I really did not appreciate it at all. There were times I would tell his family thanks but no thanks to advice, and they would proceed to go directly to him with the same advice and instruct him to tell me we should try it. Their advice would include keeping the house cool, letting the baby cry it out so she is not spoiled, not buying too much or too expensive stuff for the baby, and the list goes on. I appreciate it worked for them, but it does not mean that I have to do everything they did with their kids. I am my own person, and I would appreciate making my own mistakes. All I needed was for people to respect my decisions, even if they did not believe in them. The same with my family, I directly told them to lay off the unsolicited advice as it makes me feel a type of way, and they did. When I do need advice, I always ask.
  • Ask to hold the baby and always wash your hands. A lot of times, everyone did this, and I appreciated it a lot!
  • Visitors should be mindful of how long they spend. A lot of times, we had guests for half the day (midday till 9 pm). This is super exhausting, my feet would be swollen, and I would be tired. It also messes up the rest of the week. It’s a tiny person who only feeds and needs a diaper change. An hour or 2 at most, longer is just too much.
  • Stock up on groceries. Post-birth, I had groceries delivered, and this was great as I needed snacks and drinks. If you are a guest, you could ask if the new parents need this. Most times they do but do not have time to pick these up.
  • Be kind. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. These words are crucial. A lot of people have zero self-awareness. Postpartum, your emotions are a rollercoaster, and people do not realize how hurtful things they say can be and where they take you mentally. During one of the visits, my child was called small and compared to another baby in the family. I was made to feel like I had done something inferior. Over the course of more visits, her weight was a constant side comment as well as her lack of smiling (which she would only do with us) and being told she looks constipated (broke my heart). In addition to this, I was told a c-section isn’t bad, I should be ok in a week, by people who never experienced it. It minimized my pain and made me feel unsupported. Even typing it out makes me feel sad to think I went through all this in a time I should be enjoying my newfound joy and happiness.

With that said, I am grateful for the love and support I received. It may not have been how I would have liked it, but it still existed, and for that, I am grateful. I am eternally grateful to my partner, mother, and brother for the love, sacrifice, and overwhelming support they gave me. I will never forget what they did for me. I am grateful to myself for being able to accept that I was struggling and going to therapy to heal.

Finally, I hope this helps other moms and support structures out there.

Life without music

What would your life be like without music?

Black and white with shades of grey.

I’m not a great singer, I wasn’t blessed with the vocal talents of an angel, however, music brings meaning into my life.

Think about a day when you are feel sad, bursting with joy or just meh, it’s easier to define it through music.

Music has the ability to turn my frown upside down, bring back memories shared with those loved ones who have passed as well as kick start my day!

Let your imagination run wild: how I see you

I remember the first time I met you, gentle yet charming, a radiant smile with a loving heart. The moment we locked eyes, I knew there was something special about you, not just how we met but what you represent. I always tell you that you reminded me that God truly exists, through the laughter and tears, it still rings true for me.

I always remind you how cheesy your lines were when we met, how I felt safe around you and how much I appreciated that you asked for consent with everything we did that magical night. Whenever I struggle with why I am still with you, I remember that early morning and my faith is renewed.

I know the depression, moving in together, the pregnancy, as well as being new parents has been tough. I pray that now that we are adapting to all the new changes we have experienced in a year, that we restore our love and make it better than the first time.

I pray that you are more understanding, caring, as well as loving everyday even when you are angry or annoyed with me. I imagine a time when we don’t fight but lead with love. I am tired of being annoyed and angry with you, I just want to always be in love with you, from the moment I wake up to the second I fall asleep.

I pray that what matters to me even if you don’t agree or understand why, matters to you as well. It breaks my heart to constantly have to explain the little bits that matter to me, because they sometimes don’t resonate with you. I want to reach a place where I no longer have to say it’s ok when it’s not. I long for the day when you will not ask me why I’m not ok but know why I’m not by just reading my body language.

I am tired of crying because I sometimes don’t recognise the man speaking to me. I wish that when I walk into the room you could light up like it’s the first time you are seeing me. Like I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever laid eyes on. I wish you could see me the way I would love to be seen, love me in a way I recognise.

My heart bleeds because I’m always left confused, am I asking for too much or am I just a difficult person? I wonder if I dreamt the first few months of our relationship? If we moved in together too quickly? If we worked better apart than together?

My heart longs for a love that is a unit not singular with branches. I see us as a unit and I pray that you could eventually see us as that as well. You are my living dream and I’ll forever love you. I’ll keep trying, being patient, hoping the day comes when we are in perfect sync.

For now I accept that this is the adjustment stage like any other job, you have to adjust to the land and find what works best for you. I hope and pray that day comes sooner rather than later. Don’t worry for now my eyes and my mind haven’t wondered, I don’t find anyone attractive or find myself lusting for another, I only have eyes for you and pray it stays that way.

For me, when you meet the man who embodies the love you’ve always yearned for, you praise the Lord and ancestors for blessing you and everyday you appreciate that you are lucky to be blessed. I wonder how long it will last but I know not to stay in that uncertain place for too long because nothing good ever comes easy and it’s no use driving oneself crazy over the unknown.

Finally, I pray for all the good I need to come through and build a happy family made with a foundation laid with love, kindness and acceptance. I want to teach my daughter that dreams do come true and good men exist. I hope you turn that dream into a reality. 

Motherhood: my body is a wonderland as well as a freak show

Firstly, let me clear the air and begin by saying that I am forever grateful for the strength that my body has shown me it has. From growing an entire human being, to withstanding a major surgery, and being able to bring my little angel into this world. For that, I am forever in awe as well as grateful for the wonderland that is my body.

Growing an entire human being is no easy work. Not only is it tiring, but it is also emotionally draining. The body changing rapidly comes without warning, there is no time to prepare for what becomes a secondhand version of what you used to be. I have to keep reminding myself to look at the bigger picture, that this tiny human needs me to be strong and let certain things be, so they are well and healthy when the time comes.

No one warns you how much of a toll all the changes have on your mental health. Postpartum and I feel unsexy, unattractive, and just plain old ugly. My breast has gone up 4 sizes and they look saggy and super long, my stomach now has a pooch and stretch marks that are unending, and don’t get me started on how fat my thighs are or how weird my butt shape has turned out (although my mum says I got a little butt out of the whole process :D). I hardly recognise myself in the mirror, all I do now is mourn my old body each time I see a reflection of the new body I inhabit.

I’ve hit a new low in my physical image journey. In the past, I struggled to love myself and that meant not even looking at myself in the mirror. My self-image is at rock bottom as I look in the mirror and realise that the person I see has an unattractive body with a pretty face. I’ve never been blessed with a big butt or perfectly perky Double D breasts, but my old body looked good, I had a tiny waist, big breasts, and beautifully carved calves. Right now I hardly recognise any of that when I look in the mirror.

To make matters worse, my mind has begun to wonder, wonder if my partner sees me the way I see myself. Wonder if he wants to touch me the way he used to, love me in a way that used to make me feel like the sexiest woman in the room? I know it’s a journey I’m going through, but I can’t help but feel like he sees all the unattractive parts of me. Each time he bathes me, I can’t even look him in the eye because I don’t want to know the truth, I’m not ready to know what he thinks or feels about the new me. It’s one thing to say the words to make me feel better and another to see through your eyes and know the truth.

I now shudder when you rave about other women because I wonder if you find them more attractive than me. If you want to love them the way you used to love them? My heart bleeds for the day I don’t have to feel this way. I’ve never been the type to worry about other women, my mum taught me to trust the words of a man until he shows me otherwise. Innocent until proven guilty and so far it’s worked to keep my trust issues at bay.

A new sun has risen and with it, all the monsters that once hid in the shadows have come out to dance in the light, and I’m scared of who or what I might become in the process. My new companion is prayer, I take her with me through this journey and hope and pray that I come out on the other side stronger and better than I ever was. I’m terrified but I’m also hopeful that just like any other journey I’ve walked I’ll walk this one, learn my lessons, and reach the top renewed and feeling like a winner, a conqueror.

Motherhood: The journey

I’m planning on writing a series of blog entries titled: Motherhood.

I thought pregnancy while depressed was tough, but motherhood is a whole new different ball game. I realise I that have not had time to reflect back and ask myself if I have even healed from my depression. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, navigating through my own personal feelings has been a struggle. Feelings about myself have been surrounded by a whole lot of guilt, mostly self-inflicted. I am not here to judge myself, just to observe and express how I feel. 

I have cried so much pre, during and post pregnancy, I really did not know I had it in me before this journey. I recently found out that I can express myself in other forms that not only reflect happiness and anger. I am able to now articulate sadness, heartbreak, disappointment and love. You see, even in the pits of hell, there is always good to be found.

I now have a living and breathing heart and I don’t know how to react. I am constantly worried about her safety, health and emotional well-being. If you touch her and she cries, I swear, I want to murder you because she is an angel. She is my heart, my life, my soul, my everything. Just writing those words down makes me want to cry tears of joy. 

I keep wondering why me? Why did you choose me? Am I capable? Am I even worthy of such a pure and innocent soul? You are the most beautiful angel I have ever laid eyes on. You are a beauty that nothing in this world can be compared to. I love you with every fibre of my being. I am blessed to love and be loved by you. You are Gods greatest gift to the universe, my life knows colour because of you.

I worry I may not be good enough to deserve such a treasure that is you ;( I cry because I’m so scared I’ll mess it up. I’m restless because I wonder if God made a mistake with me and He will realise this and give you to someone else. I pray I am worthy, that i am enough, and most importantly, that I have the strength to love and protect you in ways you need me to.