Tag: bloganuary

When Protecting Your Peace Means Letting Go of Old Patterns

Today broke something open inside me.

Not in a loud, messy way — but in the quiet, aching way that tells you something has shifted for good.

For a while now, I’ve been feeling the edges of it:

Small things, piling up like tiny stones pressing on my chest.

The way my home doesn’t feel like mine anymore.

The way decisions about my child are made without me, around me, over me.

The way “help” starts to feel more like control.

The way the atmosphere feels heavy — like I have to apologize for existing in my own life.

At first, I brushed it off.

I told myself I was overreacting, that I should be grateful.

That having help is better than doing it alone.

But somewhere deep inside, a voice kept whispering: Something isn’t right.

Today it became impossible to ignore.

Today I realized — the help came with a price.

And the price was my peace, my voice, my right to be the mother I am choosing to be.

It hit me how much of my upbringing is being replayed right here, in front of my eyes.

How fear was used to mold us.

How tidiness wasn’t about pride, but about punishment.

How respect was demanded, not earned.

How joy was rationed and wins were never simply celebrated — they were dissected, compared, measured, used to fuel someone else’s idea of “how things should be.”

And now, it’s happening again — but this time, it’s aimed at my child.

At the little girl I carried, birthed, nursed.

The little girl I promised would know a different kind of love.

The kind that sees her.

The kind that lifts her up without crushing her spirit.

I’m not crazy.

I’m not ungrateful.

I’m not overreacting.

I’m waking up.

And today, I decided: I will protect my peace and my daughter’s peace at all costs.

Even if it means making other people uncomfortable.

Even if it means being seen as the villain in someone else’s story.

Even if it means letting go of the illusion of closeness with someone I desperately wanted connection with.

Even if it means doing it alone for a while.

Because my daughter deserves a home built on love, not fear.

And I deserve a life where my voice matters — not just when it’s convenient for others.

I’m scared.

I’m tired.

But more than anything, I’m sure.

This cycle ends with me.

Allowing myself to be loved

Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?

I can recall the moments where I did not solicit these random acts of love that live rent free in my heart:

1. In 2017 I fell ill and had to take time off work. During this time my mood was low and I was in excruciating pain. Every morning my uncle woke me up with breakfast, lunch time he would walk to my favourite chicken joint and buy we whatever I felt like and dinner time he would make different warm meals. My uncle is a wild case but he showed me a love I’d never experienced, being taken care of without asking. Just thinking of it gives me butterflies in my stomach! I’ll never forgot what he did for me, he may not be perfect, in that moment, he was what I did not know I needed.

2. Carrying on from the same story, my mum also showed me warmth I never knew existed in her. Growing up we had a rocky relationship, she’s quite strict and shows little emotion. However, in my weakest moment, she was the true definition of a mum. Every day she ran me a bath and bathed me. I cannot describe what those moments felt like all I know is that was true love. I’m crying just thinking of this.

3. Last year during the last trimester of my pregnancy I realised my partner and I were struggling to prepare for the baby. I asked my brother if he would be willing to come and help me out for a month as hiring someone would cost an arm and a leg. He did not even hesitate, just got his visa sorted and flew over within the next month. When he arrived he took care of me, I’m a chatterbox and all he did during the day was talk and listen to me. I felt seen and heard in those moments. During my pregnancy I felt so lonely and overwhelmed as I was diagnosed with depression pre-pregnancy. In addition to that he helped transform my flat into a fresh nest for his niece. My brother and I have always been close and that brought us even closer. Initially I was embarrassed to ask him, looking back it was the best decision I ever made. I’m forever for his love and support in everything that I do, he’s a big reason for my growth overall as a better human being and I’m proud to have him as a brother and uncle to my baby girl.

3. My dad and I are like cousins. He’s a story for another day. One thing I can count on is his support in times of despair. When I first moved overseas, I had a horrible working experience and considered leaving it all and moving back home. I took time off and I told my dad all about it, he gave me the best advice. And five years later I have him to thank for still hanging on.

4. The birth of my baby girl will always be my absolute favourite thing. The experience was traumatic, however, I would do it all over again just to get to meet her and hold her in my arms. Her cute smiles warm my heart and brighten up my day. I could be feeling sad or angry but when I look at her and she always smiles at the right time, I feel at peace. I feel lucky to love and be loved by her.

5. Pre-pregnancy I was diagnosed with depression. I’ve never felt so numb in my life. I contemplated going back home and spending time with my family. However, my partner of 3 months at the time asked me to give him a chance to take care of me. When I say this man took me in, bathe me, fed me and allowed me to just be in my feelings for 2 months straight. He never acted moody or complained, just simply took care of me. He was gentle and kind in a way I didn’t know was possible. He drives me mad some days, but on those days he made me whole, he helped me fill my cup and for that I will never forget the love, care and kindness he showed me. I never expected nor asked, he just came through for me and give me what I did not know was missing in my life.

I can go on and on for days, this is my top 5 highlights in no particular order.

Forever in solitude

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?

I think at some point one reaches a point where they have enjoyed something and do not want more. I get the feeling living a very long life might not be as glamorous as it seems.

The only reason I would want a long life is the uncertainty around death. When we enter this earth we are promised that someday we will surely leave it. The how and the when is where the mind boggle begins. For me, the anxiety around death stems from not knowing when I will go and once I do, what happens?

I guess if I knew I’d have a level of peace when it comes to the topic of death. Going back to the topic, a long life only sounds good if your loved ones also have one as well as your body never aging. If I had eternity alone, I’d be forever miserable seeing those I love and care about leave me and knowing I’m nowhere closer to joining them.

As the saying goes, all good things must come to an end, including life itself. The only thing we can do is enjoy each day and appreciate every breath we are blessed to take.