Tag: generational trauma

Coming Home to Myself

I found my purpose not in saving others, but in finally choosing myself

I used to wake up every day and pour myself out for everyone else. My purpose was stitched together with the needs of my family — their dreams, their survival, their peace. First it was my parents and siblings. Then, when I began to suffocate under the weight of that, I started telling myself I was doing it for my future children. That somehow made the pain more noble. Gave it a pretty frame. But inside, I was hollow. My wins weren’t mine. My labor, my sacrifices — never mine to enjoy. The fruits were handed over, and I was expected to smile through the starvation of my spirit.

Then I had my daughter.

And for the first time in years, I felt life breathe back into me. She gave me something to fight for. Something to anchor me. But still… there was a hole. I couldn’t name it. Couldn’t describe it. It would quietly creep in at night or in the quiet moments. I had love around me — kind of — and yet this emptiness kept knocking. Loud. Unrelenting.

I thought I was loving myself. I had confidence. I could make people laugh, put myself together, show up. But now I know — confidence isn’t the same as self-love. Self-love is not just smiling in the mirror. It’s not just buying yourself flowers. It’s standing tall and saying: I am worthy. I deserve good things. I don’t need to perform to be loved. And anyone who thinks otherwise can get the hell out of my way.

This year, something shifted.

I looked around and realized I’d skipped the most important lesson — me. I’d skipped learning how to be my own home, my own source of joy. I thought love had to come from giving. That I had to earn it. Prove it. Bleed for it. But now I know — I already am it. I am love. I am enough. Every single version of me, even the messy ones, especially the messy ones.

I used to believe what I was told growing up: that I was too much and not enough at the same time. That no one would ever love me unless they were passing through. That I could win a hundred medals and still be losing. That dreams were dangerous because disappointment was guaranteed.

But no more.

I’m done shrinking. Done swallowing my worth. Done bending backwards for people who only know how to take. I am not a sacrifice. I am not an extension of someone else’s life. I am my own.

I am effin loveable. Anyone who gets to be loved by me is lucky. I’m the prize. The damn treasure. A queen, a goddess, dripping in gold, wrapped in grace, and rising with fire. The little girl who used to stay up all night studying, desperate for approval — she was always more than enough. She is extraordinary. And I see her now. I hold her close.

I can’t rewrite my past. But I’m rewriting my future. Today. With every breath. Every boundary. Every time I choose me.

I don’t just want love anymore. I am love.

And when love comes knocking again — real love, warm love, love that sees me — I’ll be ready. Because it’s just coming home to where it already lives.

To My Precious Daughter

She is the dream I carry in my heart—and the blessing I choose a thousand times over

From the moment I first held you, I knew my life had changed forever. You are my greatest gift, my biggest blessing, my entire universe. Each day I spend with you—whether we’re laughing, playing, or just lying quietly side by side—is a reminder that I’ve been trusted with the most beautiful soul to ever exist.

You are a little explorer with a wild, creative spirit. You paint the walls with your imagination, fill our home with your joy, and remind me every day to see the world through softer, brighter eyes. I am in awe of you. Watching you grow is the most sacred honour I’ve ever known.

I want you to know that no matter what, my love for you is endless and unconditional. It’s not based on what you do or how quickly you learn—it’s just there, wrapped around you like a warm blanket you’ll never outgrow. Even in death, I will always fight for you, protect you, and whisper your name with pride from beyond.

I pray for the strength and wisdom to raise you with gentleness, understanding, and kindness. I want you to grow into a woman who is resilient but soft, independent but loving, confident but respectful. You don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be you. And that will always be more than enough.

Your father and I may have walked different paths, and though he hurt me deeply, I will always show him kindness because through him, I received the gift of you. For that, I am forever grateful.

You are my galaxy, my heart, my purpose. You own every beat of me.

With all the love in this world and beyond,

Mama

The Inner Child Diaries: The Day I Stopped Dancing

I was maybe six or seven. It was Christmas time. My mum asked us to dance for her, something she used to do often. I was excited—I remember wanting to make her smile, to do something fun. But when I started dancing, she burst out laughing.

She told me I couldn’t dance. That I was terrible.

I remember freezing. The shame came so fast, like a slap. I felt stupid, small… like something inside me just folded in on itself. From that day on, I stopped dancing. I’d say “I don’t dance” to anyone who asked. But the truth is—I wanted to. I always wanted to. I just never wanted to feel that embarrassed again.

Years later, I told my child’s dad about that moment. I told him why I don’t dance. My mum happened to be around, and she laughed again. Said I was terrible, that none of her kids can dance, that we take after our dad—no rhythm. It stung. Again. Like that little girl who just wanted to be seen for trying was being laughed at all over again. And the worst part? She still thought it was funny.

My mum? She’s not a great dancer either. But she dances. Freely. She dances to express herself. Meanwhile, she robbed me of that very thing—expression. Joy. Freedom. I watched people dance and have fun growing up, but I couldn’t join. Not without thinking of that day.

I’ve always wanted to take a dance class, to reclaim it. But I’m scared. Scared the teacher will say I’m so bad they can’t help me. That I’m too far gone. That I don’t belong there either.

The only place I ever felt free dancing was at clubs with my queer friends. There was no pressure to be perfect—just vibes, laughter, freedom. No one cared if you were good or not. It felt safe. It felt like joy for joy’s sake. But around other Black people, I go still. I get too self-conscious. I worry about how I look, if I’m doing it right, if they’ll laugh.

That one moment… it silenced something in me. Something I still haven’t fully gotten back.

A Moment of Rage and Reflection

Today, my mother said something that set my soul on fire. She told me that in the future, she never wants to be involved in any “drama” again. That I should have my own place, that my man should have his own, and that I shouldn’t stay with a man unless he marries me.

And just like that, I felt her judgment once more. The familiar sting of her criticism, the belief that my choices were wrong. She said I needed to retrace my steps—go back, reassess what went wrong, and see how I ended up in this situation. It’s always easy to say “you should’ve done this” or “you should’ve done that.” But she doesn’t see the full picture. She doesn’t know the pain of walking through life always second-guessing yourself, always thinking you’re not enough, but still finding the strength to keep going.

When she said living together before marriage was a mistake, I couldn’t help but wonder: What’s next? Are you going to say I had the baby too soon, moved in too quickly? She said, “No, the baby isn’t a mistake,” and I wanted to believe her, but the words she didn’t say hit harder. I’ve never thought for a second that my daughter was a mistake. She saved me. She gave me life when I was standing on the edge. My daughter taught me what it means to truly fight for something, for someone.

But even when I said that, when I explained that every decision I made was based on the information I had at the time, she still couldn’t see. How could she? How could anyone understand the complexities of a situation when they’ve never walked in your shoes? I didn’t need to retrace my steps, because I’ve already done that a thousand times. What I needed was support, not judgment.

And when she accused me of punishing myself for him, that’s when the weight of it all started to feel unbearable. I’m not punishing myself. I’m taking a break—for me. I need a break from everything: from relationships, from heartache, from pressure. I need space to heal, to focus on my daughter and what’s best for her future. I’m not obsessed with finding a steady guy, and I told her that. If one comes along, great, but if not, I’ll be fine.

But of course, she couldn’t hear me. She just shut down, pretended to sleep, and left me with nothing but her silence.

I hate that she made me feel like I’m the one who’s failed. Like I’m the one who’s to blame for everything. I know she’s judged me for being with him—he’s not rich, not highly educated, doesn’t live in a big modern house. She’s always seen what he’s not, never what he is. But here’s the truth: I’ve sacrificed so much for her, taken care of her without hesitation, no questions asked. I’ve never sought recognition, never asked for anything in return. All I’ve ever wanted is empathy, support, and for someone to stand by me when I’m broken.

I’ve carried so much on my shoulders, for so long, that sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. I’ve given everything—time, money, energy—without a thought for myself. And now, when I need someone to just be there, when I’m exhausted and depleted, she turns away.

She’ll never be proud of me, I know that now. But what I can’t accept is how she judges me, how she belittles the choices I’ve made, when she’s been stuck in her own cycle of pain for so many years. She stayed in a marriage where she was constantly cheated on, a marriage that tore her apart, but she never left. She stayed because of what people would think, because of the shame, the fear of judgment. And yet here she is, telling me I should’ve done things differently.

I see it for what it is now—I am not her, and I don’t want to be. I won’t stay in something for the wrong reasons. I won’t make the same choices she did.

My daughter has shown me the kind of strength I never knew I had. She’s taught me what it means to fight, to stand tall, even when it feels impossible. I’ll keep fighting, for her and for myself, no matter who tries to bring me down.

Breaking the Silence: A Journey of Healing and Strength

Three years ago, I met the man of my dreams—or so I thought. He seemed kind, thoughtful, and everything I could ever want in a partner. For a while, I believed in the idea of us, in the possibility of building a life together. But even then, there was this quiet voice in the back of my mind telling me that love alone wouldn’t be enough. I wanted a child. I really did. But the reality of my situation, the weight of my debts, made me wonder how I could make it all work.

Then I found out I was pregnant. Despite the financial challenges, there was a rush of excitement. I wanted to be a mother, and the news filled me with a sense of purpose, even though the world felt heavy. I wasn’t prepared in the way society might expect, but in that moment, something shifted inside me. My daughter gave me purpose. She gave me life, a reason to keep fighting. I felt strength and courage I didn’t even know I had, and suddenly, I was standing on my own two feet, ready to bring this beautiful soul into the world.

Before I got pregnant, I had already been struggling with depression. I had taken time off work, trying to find some sense of balance, some way out of the darkness. But when I found out I was pregnant, I also found a new reason to fight. It wasn’t just about survival anymore; it was about living for someone else, someone who needed me more than anyone ever had.

The early days of pregnancy were filled with uncertainty. Despite the love I felt for my unborn child, I couldn’t shake the weight of my debts and the fear of what the future might hold. But I pushed through. I had to. I started to feel something deep inside me—a shift, a quiet confidence that I would find a way to make this work. My daughter was going to be my everything.

When she was born, the reality of motherhood settled in. There were sleepless nights, moments of doubt, but also immeasurable joy. I had the baby I’d longed for, but things weren’t as simple as I’d imagined. His family, ever present, began pushing their own expectations on how we should raise our daughter. I wasn’t ready to bend, but he didn’t step in. He didn’t defend us. And the tension between his family’s demands and my desire to parent the way I thought best created a constant strain.

As the weeks turned into months, it became more apparent that his inability to set boundaries with his family was taking a toll. I felt alone in the battle. Alone in my desire to protect my child and create the family I envisioned. Every argument, every disagreement seemed to revolve around them. I couldn’t understand how the man I loved and trusted could prioritize their needs over mine, over the family we were trying to build. It hurt. Deeply.

There were moments when I thought I could walk away, when I felt like I was losing myself. I was exhausted—physically, emotionally, mentally. I took time off, went home for a month, hoping to find some clarity. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’d return to a different situation. But when I came back, things hadn’t changed. The cracks were still there, and I was still hurting.

The turning point came with the new year. I was in a deep low again, my depression creeping back into my life. I took time off work, hoping for some support, for him to step up. But instead, he pulled further away. He lived his life, as if nothing was wrong. When I confronted him about it, the gaslighting began. He made me doubt myself, made me believe I was asking for too much.

Then, I found out the truth. The man I had loved, the father of my child, was cheating. The pain of it hit me like a wave, pulling the ground from beneath me. I told my family. I told my friends. But I didn’t confront him—not yet. I had to make a plan. I had to leave, but I wasn’t ready to walk away just yet. Not with the debts and financial strain weighing me down.

The more I watched him, the more I saw the lies, the deceit. I checked his phone and confirmed what I already feared—he was still seeing her. They had planned a trip together, and there he was, complaining about having to care for our baby. It wasn’t just the betrayal that hurt; it was the way he showed no respect for our daughter, for me. He let her cry, when we had both agreed we wouldn’t do that. It wasn’t just infidelity—it was cruelty, selfishness, and disregard for the family we’d created.

I was done. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t keep going like this. No matter what happened, I wasn’t going back to him. Even if the world ended, I wouldn’t go back to a man who had betrayed me, who had hurt me and our child. I was focused on what was next, on building a better future for us. I started to take it day by day, pushing forward for the sake of my daughter, for the sake of my healing.

I’m still healing. The sadness comes in waves, and some days it feels like the weight of it all is too much. But there’s also this strength I didn’t know I had—this fierce love for my daughter that keeps me moving. I’m focused on my future. I’m focused on what’s next. I’m working toward financial freedom, searching for a role that will give me the stability I need. And through all the hurt, through all the pain, I know that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. I’m fighting for us. I’m fighting for me.

When Protecting Your Peace Means Letting Go of Old Patterns

Today broke something open inside me.

Not in a loud, messy way — but in the quiet, aching way that tells you something has shifted for good.

For a while now, I’ve been feeling the edges of it:

Small things, piling up like tiny stones pressing on my chest.

The way my home doesn’t feel like mine anymore.

The way decisions about my child are made without me, around me, over me.

The way “help” starts to feel more like control.

The way the atmosphere feels heavy — like I have to apologize for existing in my own life.

At first, I brushed it off.

I told myself I was overreacting, that I should be grateful.

That having help is better than doing it alone.

But somewhere deep inside, a voice kept whispering: Something isn’t right.

Today it became impossible to ignore.

Today I realized — the help came with a price.

And the price was my peace, my voice, my right to be the mother I am choosing to be.

It hit me how much of my upbringing is being replayed right here, in front of my eyes.

How fear was used to mold us.

How tidiness wasn’t about pride, but about punishment.

How respect was demanded, not earned.

How joy was rationed and wins were never simply celebrated — they were dissected, compared, measured, used to fuel someone else’s idea of “how things should be.”

And now, it’s happening again — but this time, it’s aimed at my child.

At the little girl I carried, birthed, nursed.

The little girl I promised would know a different kind of love.

The kind that sees her.

The kind that lifts her up without crushing her spirit.

I’m not crazy.

I’m not ungrateful.

I’m not overreacting.

I’m waking up.

And today, I decided: I will protect my peace and my daughter’s peace at all costs.

Even if it means making other people uncomfortable.

Even if it means being seen as the villain in someone else’s story.

Even if it means letting go of the illusion of closeness with someone I desperately wanted connection with.

Even if it means doing it alone for a while.

Because my daughter deserves a home built on love, not fear.

And I deserve a life where my voice matters — not just when it’s convenient for others.

I’m scared.

I’m tired.

But more than anything, I’m sure.

This cycle ends with me.

The Struggle of Letting Go: Finding My Peace in the Chaos of My Mother’s Love

For years, I’ve bent and twisted myself to fit into what others need from me, especially my mother. I’ve sacrificed my peace, my sanity, and sometimes even my identity, just to make sure everyone around me—especially her—is comfortable. It’s a burden I’ve carried for as long as I can remember, but the weight of it has reached its limit.

I used to think that helping others, especially my family, meant being there for them at all costs—putting their needs above mine, constantly smoothing things over, and making sure the peace is kept. But recently, I’ve had to face a truth that’s been growing inside me for years: help comes at a price. And for far too long, I’ve been the one paying that price.

With my mum, it’s always felt like there’s a price for her help—emotional blackmail, resentment, and a constant undercurrent of criticism. She’s helped me, yes, but the moment I accept that help, there’s a shift. Suddenly, I’m indebted to her in ways I never agreed to, and my needs and boundaries don’t matter anymore. She has a way of making me feel like I owe her not just for the help she gives me, but for her love, for her mere presence. And it’s exhausting.

I’ve spent so much of my life navigating the emotional landmine that is my relationship with my mother. She’s the one who raised me, yes, but she also became the one who made me feel invisible, unworthy, and like I was always in her shadow. The sacrifices I made for her and my brothers were always meant to be acts of love, but somewhere along the way, I lost myself in them. Now, I realize I’ve been walking on eggshells, trying to please her, trying to get her approval, and in the process, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to just breathe.

The pain I feel isn’t just from her criticisms, or the constant undermining of my boundaries—it’s from the realization that she has never truly seen me for who I am. The love I’ve shown her, the things I’ve done for her, have never been enough, and it’s time for me to stop trying to prove myself.

It hit me recently: I need to stop putting myself in a position where her discomfort becomes my responsibility. Her anger, her bitterness, her constant need for validation—those aren’t my burdens to carry anymore. Her inability to respect my boundaries, her constant overstepping, her need to control everything I do with my own child—none of that is mine to fix.

I’ve given so much of myself to try and make her comfortable, to try and please her, but at the cost of my own peace. I’ve been holding myself back, compromising on what I believe in, just to keep the peace. But I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

I’ve spent enough time living in fear of her anger, of her judgment. But now, I’m done. If her discomfort means that I have to choose myself over her, then I’ll do it. Even if it means creating distance, even if it means cutting ties, even if it means losing the ‘help’ she’s always given me. I’m ready to let go of this cycle of needing her approval, of needing her love, because I know now that I will never get it in a way that truly nourishes me.

It’s hard. It hurts. But I have to stand in my own truth. I’ve spent years trying to heal the wound she created inside of me, but healing can only happen if I finally step away from the thing that’s been tearing me down. It’s time for me to be my own source of comfort, my own source of strength. And that means drawing clear lines, setting boundaries, and making sure that her anger, her discomfort, doesn’t become my problem anymore.

I’m learning that peace doesn’t come from making others comfortable. It comes from honoring my own needs and standing firm in what I believe in. And no matter how much it hurts, I know that I can’t keep sacrificing my peace for someone who doesn’t see me, doesn’t respect me, and doesn’t truly love me in the way I need to be loved.

It’s time to stop giving my power away, even if it means losing everything I thought I needed. It’s time to choose me.

And that’s what I’ll do, every single day.