Tag: #intimacy

What It Feels Like to Be Second Best

Tears streamed down my face, not out of anger, but from a deep well of sadness and disappointment. It feels like I’ve been nurturing seeds in soil meant for maize, not for the apple tree I hoped to grow.

Until today, I didn’t fully grasp what it meant to be second best. Summoning the courage to confront my emotions, I realize now that it’s not anger I feel, but a profound sadness in knowing I’m not enough for the one I love.

Have you ever loved someone so deeply that you envisioned your entire future with them, only for a single moment to shatter that illusion? One comment, one realization, and suddenly you know you were never truly their priority.

I’ve been wrestling with this feeling for a while, trying to make sense of why my mind kept signaling that something was off. For a deeper understanding, I recommend reading my previous post, where I pour out my heart in a love letter to the one I cherish.

In that letter, you’ll find how we’ve been clashing over family boundaries. I confessed feeling like my emotions must always take a backseat to his mother’s. I’m not trying to compete with her; our roles are fundamentally different, offering distinct forms of love that shouldn’t even be compared.

My struggle is with feeling second best. Today, I realized this stems from his hopes and dreams being deeply rooted in his family—not the one we’re trying to create, but the one between him, his mother, and his siblings.

I feel disheartened because I’ve placed the family I’m building on a pedestal, making it my top priority. Yet, I feel let down because my partner isn’t ready to build with me. He’s still deeply invested in his original family.

I wonder when he will be ready to build with me and our child. Will we be able to wait for that day? And if we do, what does that say about me? Do I love myself enough to demand more? If I settle for second place now, will I always be second? When will it end?

Navigating adulthood is a unique adventure; there’s no guidebook for it. You just have to keep trying to do what’s best for yourself and those you love. For now, I’ll focus on myself and building a life with my child because she and I deserve to be the priority.

Motherhood: sexual insecurities

I am scared that when the time comes, you won’t know what to do. You won’t know how to touch me, feel me, love me or worst of all lay with me without feeling disgust.

I’m scared to be truly naked in front of you. I know you’ve been washing me and helping me since everything happened. But I’m scared shitless to get naked, feel vulnerable and share my body with you. I’m terrified of the day that we’ll try and reconnect physically because so much has changed.

I pray that by then I am emotionally stronger and feel a lot better than I do today. I pray that when the day comes and you call me beautiful, sexy, and tell me how much you want to be with me, I not only believe you but also believe that about myself.

The biggest struggle is not someone accepting you, it’s rather you accepting yourself and learning to love all the different shades that appear over time. I’m truly blessed to have a man that loves me enough to kiss my pooch and stretch marks and slap my ass like he did before while telling me how sexy I am and how much he loves me. To see him patiently wait until the day I learn to love myself and offer to help me through my journey rather than let me walk that path alone.

Sometimes when you take a minute to breath in the air, you realise God works his miracles through angels. They come into your life and bring sunlight even on the darkest of days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all roses and butterflies, it’s difficult, sometimes it feels impossible learning to love someone and allowing them to love you.

There are days I feel like it would be easier not trying, some days i feel relieved when I think about not trying. But then I imagine life without you, and I start crying because it’s all gloomy and miserable. I start crying and asking God why it has to be so hard and the answer is always the same, crystal clear, nothing good ever comes easy, everything is hard work, like a job you have to constantly put in effort.

As I lay awake in my bed going through the emotions, observing them without judgment, all I can say is thank you and at this moment I choose to believe that soon I’ll be in a better headspace.